[[* Have Fun ]]

[[Wednesday, March 19, 2008]]

EXAMS JUST ENDED!!HAHAH!! didnt think I did that well in extention maths though..sigh! Went out with Shirley and Yvonne and Kelley today. Felt kind of weird with Kelley there since she insisted on coming( and i felt like i was back in a girls school) but it turned out better than i expected:)

Grandma taught me a lot of lessons in life yesterday. I guess thats why she was the greatest teacher in her suburb back in China..haha! I guess life is just a path that everyone takes and it really depends on the person whether the path taken is satisfying or not. I have seriously finally realised the real meaning of the importance of studying(though it is a little late..haha but its either now or never)just hope that this feeling of wanting to do well lasts for the whole year because i really do not want to waste another year repeating again.It's demoralizing..sigh! Just went around randomly hopping from one blog to another and I realised how much people have moved on with their lives. I think that the past is really gone now and what lies ahead is a different sort of future. If you ask me to revert back to the old life, I think it would be pretty hard. I guess I had spent the whole of the 1st month and more in Australia still thinking that I was back in Singapore, but now I'm sort of awake and real. Not sure how to describe this feeling, but its a mixture of sadness, regret, and anticipation(in a good way). I used to wake up in the middle of the night missing my bed back in singapore and it would get me thinking of my family, friends, experiences and even the food( you cant find anything sporean in australia..not even durians!) and thus I would tear a little and there goes my beauty sleep. but now, its better:) maybe its called natutal adaptation:) haha! but i'm really starting to enjoy life here and the people around me even though i still really miss everyone back in singapore.it just doesnt seem do hurting inside anymore:)

SO!!! I shall end this little sad thing now!haha! cant wait for tomorrow! going to UNSW to see if my results can be accepted in commerce(pray!) and then it would Cass's party at night( PLEASW NO DANCING!me and Ang would just drown ourselves in soda!) grandma just mentioned that that is gonna be the last night party I'm going until after HSC CRY!!!!! (thanks andrew for my early birthday dress!!even though you will never see this!HAHA!)

*me having fun @7:45 PM*

[[Tuesday, March 18, 2008]]

Just finished reading a book by a singaporean author Low kay Hwa called I believe You. Touching story, cried a little over it(but I cry in most touching stories and shows) Wont really go into the details and all but it is about romance and it includes NJC:) read it from http://www.goodybooks.com/ibelieveyou1.htm however it doesnt have the last few chapters.So me being the curiosity cat did some searching on the net and found the last few chapters of the book!haha!

I Believe You
Chapter 18I tried to kill time by counting my breaths, but it was the dumbest thing to do. I gave up after my hundredth breath.I was waiting at the backstage, looking at plays staged by other classes. One of our buddy classes did very well, causing the entire audience to give a standing ovation at the end of their performance. I wondered if ours would cause such a stir.The wait was finally over. The host announced my class’s name, and the curtain was drawn. AVA crew rushed onto the stage out of nowhere to position the microphones and other props to our desired positions. I was expecting the break to last for more than two minutes, but before I knew it, two AVA members pulled the curtain opened and a round of applause rang across the hall.Johnny said something on the stage, and when I heard a loud “thump”, I took in a long breath and stepped onto the stage. A few people in the audience “oohed” and “aaheed”. I continued strolling forward until I was just in front of Johnny. His eyes were closed.Slowly, I kneeled and held his head.“I want Joanna to be Juliet. J for Joanna.”~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~Everyone sat outside the operating theatre, just like the scenes from those melodramatic Channel 8 drama serials that always showed on TV at nine o’clock.Jacky’s mother sat closest to the door. Our classmates were all close to a vending machine, and me, I was sitting furthest from the door. I had told them to leave me alone, for I knew now words could no longer calm my soul.Memories of Jacky lingered in my mind. I imagined what would happen five hours from now: Would I be dancing with happiness, or would I be crying in depression?Half an hour passed, but it felt like half a century. The lobby was so quiet and scary that nurses dared not walk pass us unless there was a real need to. I unleashed my pack of Marlboro – to the surprise of my classmates – and began to unwrap it. I did not smoke there, of course.Another fifteen minutes passed. I clapped my hands together, for the past seventeen years, I had not believed in the man above us. Now, I closed my eyes and prayed.God, if you’re up there, do me a favour. Just this favour, please.~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~The song played loudly in the background. Someone in the stage was singing along, but her voice sucked, compared to Trademark’s melodic voice. I stared at Johnny’s closed eyes.“Wake up.” I whispered, my voice amplified by my microphone clipped on my collar. “Wake up, wake up, please. I beg you, just wake up. You made so many promises. So many. Don’t die on me, Romeo. Don’t leave me alone here! Please!”Johnny had no response. He was, after all, a professional. I clicked my fingers, and the song played again. Beside me was a glass of chestnut juice that I had drank for more than fifty times during the rehearsals.“Please stay with me. I love you. That’s what you’ve been trying to tell me, isn’t it? I love you…”~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~After an hour passed, I read the messages Jacky sent me again.I’m sorry if I say anything wrong… u will still come for the appointment, won’t you? Let me fetch you on that day, okie? Only you can help yourself. come on, reply a yes… Vent your thoughts to others please… it’s the only way out. Ease your illusions! let me help… You’ve gonna come for it! Only you… yourself can help yourself… Understanding yourself is most important…He said that there was a message coded in it. What message? I read it, again and again. It did not ring a bell until I wrote it down in a piece of paper.Gosh. I dropped the phone and the pen. I dropped my head, and I nearly dropped on the floor myself. Now I knew what he was trying to say after all. It all made so much sense. So much sense!I jumped up and dashed towards the door of the operating room. A few of my classmates caught me by my arms and shoulders. I continued to struggle towards the door, but they held me back.“What’re you doing?!” they demanded.I tried to keep their hands off me but their combined strength was too great for me. So I relaxed and went to my knees. Jacky’s mother was still holding on to a calm expression.I looked at my watch, the watch that Jacky had given me. I kept my feelings in check and went back to my seat, clapping my hands together again.Jacky, you’ll better wake up. I’ve decoded your message. Silly!~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~“Come on, wake up. Everyone wants a happy ending. Wake up, wake up…” My face was now bathed with tears. I could hear a few soft sobs in the audience, followed by a few “wows”. My performance must have been very impressive.I grabbed the cup of chestnut juice. “Poison…” I said, staring at it as if it would change colour. “Poison. What for I live if you’re not around? I live because of you. Now that you’re gone…” I recalled that I should add in some Singlish to inject humour into the play. So I said, “No use liao. I’ll die then!”No one laughed. Instead, I heard more people crying.I gulped down the chestnut water in one smooth feat. Soon after that, I was lying beside Johnny. A few seconds later, Johnny stirred, and slowly I felt him holding my head. I did not concentrate on what he said, for my part was already over. When he screamed, he lied onto my back and he song was played again.“But only love can stayTry again or walk awayBut I believeFor you and meThe sun will shine one daySo I just play my partAnd pray you’ll have a change of heartBut I can’t make you see it throughThat’s something only love can do…”Is there something only love can do? When everything fails, shall I turn to love?~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~I did not pick up my handphone nor did I pick up the piece of paper on the floor. I was rooted to my seat, and when I examined my hand, I realized I was shaking non-stop.When my first teardrop splashed onto the piece of paper, I clutched my hand. At my tenth teardrop, the door opened, and almost everyone stood up except me. I dragged my head up slowly, and stared at the scene in front of me. This was the moment I had been waiting for, yet I suddenly did not feel like knowing the truth.The doctor came out first. There were dark rings around his eyes, as if a victim of lack of sleep. As he talked to Jacky’s mother, he shook his head once. Then Jacky’s mother cupped her face with her hands, and the doctor tapped her shoulder softly.I dropped my head backwards and felt a sharp pain on my skullThe doctor whispered something to her, and then pointed the ward. I was trying to read his lips but he was too fast. Jacky’s mother uncapped her face and stared at the doctor, then shook her head softly, mumbling something. A few minutes later, the doctor pointed to a nurse and walked off.The nurse said something to Jacky’s mother. My classmates all crowded around, their expressions a fusion of fear. I ruffled my hair and snorted aloud.“Jacky.” I whispered, so soft that I wondered if anything came out of my mouth.~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~“Jacky’s not only a classmate, not only a friend. He’s a role model, a leader’s leader, a mediator and the best person I’ve ever seen in my life.” Michael was saying. He put the piece of paper he had been reading into his breast pocket and continued. “I’ve only remember myself crying twice. Once was when I watched the movie Titanic. And the second time…”The audience was so quiet that no one dared to cough. Michael finally squeezed a tear from his left eye, and he muttered softly into the mic, “This is the third time.”~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~When I saw Michael stepping back, plunging onto the nearest seat, I knew it was something really bad.He enveloped his face with his large hands, and when he jerked a few times, I knew he was trying. I confirmed it when drops of water seeped down his wrist. Michael was crying. Jacky’s mother was crying as well. All my classmates started to cry as well.Everyone was crying. I glanced at the piece of paper. Not only had it been dampened, the entire floor beneath me was a pool of tears.Is this how death looks like?~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~“But.” Michael cut in. Most of the girls in the audience were crying, including those in other classes who did not know who Jacky was. “But Jacky once told me, boys shall not cry. We’re born with broader shoulders to let girls cry on our shoulder. So,” he wiped off his tears. Well, he failed. They kept on coming. “Let’s go with Jacky’s advice. This is for you, Jacky.” He smiled, and walked away from the mic.There should have been two hosts, a boy and a girl. But the girl was nowhere to be seen. The boy went to the stage and announced, “Let’s welcome Jacky’s best friend, Joanna, to dedicate a message to Jacky.”A round of weak applause greeted me. I stepped forward to the mic and adjusted it to my height. Then I pulled out a piece of paper from my pocket and stared at it. It was a page long, and I had spent two hours penning it.I started to read it. “Jacky Wu Zhong Xian is a very-” I paused. Then I crushed the paper into a ball and dropped it. Looking at the audience with my earnest eyes, I said, “There was once a matchstick who scratched its head. Then it died.”There was no response from the audience.“That boy didn’t laugh.” I said, pointing to an empty space in the hall. “The guy with glasses and short hair. Yeah, that’s the one. He never laughs!”I closed my eyes. It was too hard. I imagined myself in the audience, showing him an angry look. “Jacky,” I started, my eyes still closed. “Can you please… wake up from your dreams and laugh at my joke? I beg you.”~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~I was still immobilised by the shock when I heard a voice.“You must be Joanna.” I looked up. It was the doctor. Upon a closer examination, I realised he could be less than forty-years-old. I nodded, waiting anxiously for what he was about to say.“Before Mr. Wu went into the operating room, he said these to me: ‘Doctor, I’ve got a stupid rock in my head. Get it out, because I wanna marry a girl call Joanna Fung. Alright? I’ll invite you to our wedding. So you’ll better get this rock out in order to attend our wedding.”’He paused, and then continued, “I’m sorry things turned out this way.”I took in a deep long breath but I did not exhale. My hands were glued to the sides of the chair.“Well, Joanna, I don’t know whether you’re the luckiest, or the most unlucky girl in the world.”I cried, and I forgot when I stopped crying.

I Believe You
Chapter 19The doorbell rang when I was rubbing my grandmother’s leg. I did not feel like going to the door, thinking that it must be some salesman trying to promote a new kind of ‘super’ vacuum cleaner. But grandmother pointed to the door and nodded her head.I got her signal and went to the door. The moment I opened the door, my eyeballs nearly dropped out and I bit my teeth hard. It was Jacky’s mother. She was expressionless, staring at me as if I had just done something wrong.I knew there were only two reasons on why she had come: Either it was good news or bad news about Jacky. Judging from her red eyes, I knew it had to be bad news.“Joanna.” She started and I wondered how she got my address. But I knocked that thought off and concentrated on her. “This is from Jacky.” She passed me a white envelope. “He said if anything happened to him, I must give you this letter.”I felt the letter within my fingers. There was only a single piece of paper in the envelope.“He’s still showing no response. It’s over. If he still doesn’t wake up next week, I’m cutting off the life support.”I stared at the envelope for I dared not look at Jacky’s mother. I closed my eyes and waited for her to say something. But she kept quiet. So I nodded, said goodbye to her and slammed the door shut.“If he still doesn’t wake up next week, I’m cutting off the life support.”Was this the guy who had told me a joke about a matchstick that had scratched his head then died? Was this the guy who had told me that he would always be my sunshine?Was this the guy whom I loved deeply?My grandmother made her way slowly to her room. She was singing some old Chinese song which I did not understand. I jumped onto the sofa, switched on the lamp and tore the envelope gently.Was this guy Jacky?Gosh. My tears came again, and I knew they would keep on falling unless I drifted to oblivion.Dear Joanna,As I am writing this letter, a freezing remorse is washing inside my body. The ward is serene, and only in this quietness can I fill my thoughts on this piece of paper. I regretted so many things yet I can do nothing now. I should have, yet I did not. Joanna, what I wanted to tell you is that I love you.Since the day I first talked to you, I told myself that I must not fall in love with you. As we got closer, I continued to tell myself that I did not love you. I held your hand, I cried when you cried, I smiled when you smiled, but still, I told myself: No, I don’t love you.I must not love you, for I may leave this world anytime. But just now, someone told me something meaningful. I was taking a rest in the park when I saw an old man in his seventies. We chatted, and he said this to me: “In love, either you love, or you don’t.”It was when I remembered the day when I walked you home. A frail old lady, also in her seventies, chatted with me. Somehow, our conversation also ended with this sentence, “In love, either you love or you don’t.”In love, either I love you, or I don’t. Joanna, I had been thinking. I had been trying not to love you, but the fact remains: I love you. I can try to forget you, I can try not to love you, but still, it still boils down to this single sentence: I love you.My message. My SMS messages. I know you have not deleted it. Go decode it.If you’re reading this letter, I must be in a coma. But I just wanted to tell you, Joanna, I just want to tell you how much I love you.Just wait for me if I’m in a coma. I’ll be back. Peel an apple for me; I’ll still be having it. This letter will be my motivation to wake up.Wait for me. Wait for the sunshine. Wait for the clouds to clear. Wait. For. Me.Jacky Wu~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~Someone once said that time would dry the tears. It had been a month, yet my tears kept on dropping whenever I saw him.Jacky had been going on a glucose diet for the past thirty days. I tried talking to him every day, singing to him every week but still, he did not move.Where’re the promises you made to me?If I had one of the abilities of God, I would have chosen to re-live my past, and slowly, tenderly, treasuring every single hour, minute and second with you. Every single moment with you.But it was too late. All too late.I laid my head onto the side of his bed. It had been an exhausting day for me. I had to hand up all my tutorials today and I was going to have a tough economics test the following day. It had been a long while since I had a good night’s sleep.The moment I closed my eyes, I drifted into a deep sleep. In my sleep, I forgot everything and dived into a beautiful dream. I was in a crowded bus. A masculine voice captured my attention.“Hey, hello!”I glanced up, looking for someone. A guy had just boarded the bus, and he was smiling at me. I smiled back instantly, feeling an urge to walk to him. He squeezed past everybody in the bus and stood just beside me.“Hello!”He yelled although he was just beside me. I laughed, but still I said nothing, as if a force was sealing my mouth.“Hello to Joanna!”Somehow, I felt a familiarity in this scene. Even the voice sounded familiar. I took a very deep breath and regained control of myself. I looked around with my tired body and saw myself in the ward.“Hello. Where’s my peeled apple?”The images had just been a dream, but the voices were reality.

I Believe You
Chapter 20I stroked his hand softly, feeling the warmth. This is another dream, isn’t it? The images are so clear: I can feel the beads of sweat on my forehead. There are so many colours. Jacky had just opened his eyes.I heard voices when I was sleeping. I thought the voices were just part of my dream, but the voices in my dream sounded so real, yet the images in it looked so hazy. Now, as I rubbed my eyes, both the voices and images were real. This is definitely not a dream.“Talk to me.” I said, my voice a bit dry.“Hey, hello to my girl, Joanna.” His voice rang again, louder this time. His eyes were half-closed and he was smiling. “Where’s my peeled apple?”I could feel my mouth opening wide and my throat choking with phlegm. I wanted to jump onto him, giving him the hug of his life. But if I really do that, he may plunge back into a coma again.“You idiot.” I whispered, toying with his fingers. “You idiot, do you know your mum was going to let you go if you had decided to wake up tomorrow? Do you know, huh? Why don’t you just go to hell?”Jacky laughed weakly. “I choose my dates carefully.”“You sure do.”“Like, when I was in Secondary One, I chose Candy Tzu as my date. When I was in Secondary Two, I chose Ru Hua. Well, When I was in Secondary Three-”“Not funny.” I cut in.“In Secondary Three, I chose Joanna Fung, and I’ll make her my date forever.”~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~When I first saw my grandmother’s photo in her funeral, I squeezed Jacky’s hand tight. I did not shed any tears. I just stared, and stared, and stared.My grandmother had passed away peacefully two weeks before my A Levels. Initially, when I saw her lying on the sofa, I thought she was just resting. I went forward, wanting to wake her up. It was then I realised she was smiling but her eyes were closed.When I noticed that she was not breathing, I did not call the ambulance instantly. Instead, I paced up and down, and finally, I called Jacky. Until now, the cause of her death is still unknown. It seemed to be of old age.“You’re a strong girl.” Jacky said to me.There were less than ten people attending the funeral, and I felt sad for my grandmother. Still, I did not cry.“Come on, sit down. I’ve got something to tell you.” Jacky said, motioning to a chair. When I settled down, he passed me a packet of drink. “Remember the letter I wrote for you? I asked my mother to pass it to you if I were in a coma.”I nodded.“Well, I did say something about an old lady in your void deck, giving me some advice on love right? That love is either yes, or no. There’re no other excuses.”My heart skipped a beat. My grandmother had told me that before, and Jacky had heard this from some old lady near my void deck.“Your grandmother was the old lady.”Now I really felt like crying. Firstly, my grandmother became my chat mate. Then she became my advisor. And now I discovered she had also contributed to bringing me Jacky.Ironically, Jacky had brought me my grandmother and my grandmother had brought me Jacky.“Now, look here.” Jacky pointed to my left. I turned my head and wheezed. It was the old man in the park at the hospital who had given me the advice of love as well.“What the…”The old man was staring at my grandmother’s coffin with teary eyes. After a while, he said something to himself and went off.“Ours is not the saddest story in the world. There’re so many stories going on. Ours is just one of the many.”

I still havent figured out the hidden message yet, but I do have a gut feeling that it has something to do with Jacky confessing his love to her... so please if anyone does happen to know the message, leave the message on the tag board!!thanks loads!!:D

*me having fun @7:07 PM*